May 2003:

"I opened my eyes, and the before sun-lit room was now wrapped in outer darkness. Instantly I felt a shock running through all my frame; nothing was to be seen, and nothing was to be heard; but a supernatural hand seemed placed in mine. My arm hung over the counterpane, and the nameless, unimaginable, silent form or phantom, to which the hand belonged, seemed closely seated by my bedside. For what seemed ages piled on ages, I lay there, frozen with the most awful fears, not daring to drag away my hand; yet ever thinking that if I could but stir it one single inch, the horrid spell would be broken. I knew not how this consciousness at last glided away from me; but waking in the morning, I shudderingly remembered it all, and for days and weeks and months afterwards I lost myself in confounding attempts to explain the mystery. Nay, to this very hour I often puzzle myself with it."

---The Handsome Family's favorite paragraph from "Moby Dick"

Greetings friends old and new from the hallowed halls of Handsome Family Mountain. Today I waited for Planet X to appear in the sky and block out the sun entirely. The birds ignored my bird bath. The tomato plant wilted. Only the fire ants rush to greet me when I leave the house.

Thanks to everyone in England, Scotland, Holland, and Germany who came to see us play on our recent travels. Thanks to American Airlines for not charging us too much extra for all them suitcases even though drinks are now $5 each. We're home again, hacking away at the weeds and finishing up our new CD, "Singing Bones."

Other news of note: we are proud to have a lovely cover of our song, "Weightless Again" on Cerys Matthew's (ex-Catatonia) new CD. Also a breathtaking version of "Don't be Scared" on the new CD from Mr. Andrew Bird.

October, 2002, Autumn Ramblings:

THE HANDSOME FAMILY announce......

Finally Proof That Wolves Are Good Babysitters:
"In all my travels, the only time I ever slept deeply was when I was with wolvesThe days with my wolf family multiplied. I have no idea how many months I spent with them but I wanted it to last forever­it was far better than returning to the world of my own kind. Today, though
most memories of my long journey are etched in tones of gray, the time spent with the wolves is drenched in color. Those were the most beautiful days I had ever experienced." So wrote Misha Defonseca, a Jewish orphan who, from the ages of 7 to 11, wandered through occupied Europe during World War II, living on wild berries, raw meat and food stolen from farmhouses, and occasionally teaming up with wolves.
----From Paul Sieveking's article on Feral Children in The Fortean Times

New Conspiracy Uncovered:
Blue Jays are burying nuts in my yard.

New Release:
"Nothing Left to Lose: A Tribute to Kris Kristofferson"
A great compilation of songs/musicians newly released from Incidental Music.

Track Listing:
1. HANDSOME FAMILY: "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down"
2. SOULED AMERICAN: "Please Don't Tell Me How the Story Ends"
3. CALIFONE: "Border Lord"
4. DIANA DARBY: "Jesus Was a Capricorn"
5. REBECCA GATES W/ CALIFONE: "Nobody Wins"
6. CALEXICO: "Casey's Last Ride"
7. COURT & SPARK: "For the Good Times"
8. ZMRZLINA W/ MILK CHOPPER: "Me & Bobby McGee"
9. RADAR BROTHERS: "Help Me Make it Through the Night"
10. DEANNA VARAGONA: "Burden of Freedom"
11. CREEPER LAGOON: "Why Me"
12. GRANFALOON BUS: "Kiss the World Goodbye"
13. VIRGIL SHAW: "Just the Other Side of Nowhere"
14. RICHARD BUCKNER: "Lovin' Her Was Easier (Than Anything I'll Ever Do Again)"
15. CROOKED JADES: "Shipwrecked in the Eighties"
16. HOWE GELB: "The Pilgrim (Chapter 33)"
17. GRANDADDY: "Best of All Possible Worlds"

Sound good? To order this CD or read more details, go to:
www.incidentalmusic.com/artists/various/nothing_left_to_lose/index.html

New Autumn Drink:
vodka with tea bag

New Autumn Fashion:
cat whisker tiara

August, 2002, automatic writing:

Since March 1977 I have been subjected to continual anonymous surveillance and assaults whose impact has devastated me. Between September 1977 and March 1978 I was for the first time made aware that these were being accomplished by use of two-way mental telepathy and its physical and emotional equivalents. I have been systematically deprived of both capacity and opportunity to exercise the rights which flow from my U.S. citizenship as well as the fundamental rights inherent in mere human existence. I assess my situation as substantially worse than it would be under formally instituted imprisonment and forfeiture of civil rights as administered under any legal system that has existed in recorded history. If the telepathic cannibalism which has victimized me has existed for long then my so-called education was in reality a systematic implantation of delusions deliberately designed to injure me. My existence for more than two years must be characterized as subjected to hostile and total external control to an extent unrecorded in the literature of civilization.

June, 2002

We were recently on Later with Jools Holland. It was the show that the Hives, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Brian Ferry were on. It was kind of scary, but don't we look like we feel cool instead of petrified? Don of Circuit Magazine took this picture of us. Nice work.

CURRENT FEARS:

1. Mysterious tenth planet will crash into Earth in 2013 knocking us out of
our orbit and causing 300 mph winds to carry me off into the vacuum of outer
space.
2. A huge civilisation of cockroaches is building a doomsday machine in the
crawl space under my bed.
3. If I believe in ghosts (or even say the word "ghost" inside my head) this
gives ghosts the substance and the strength to drag me off into the boarded
up backroom of our cellar. People will hear me scream, but they will all
say, "Gee that fan needs some grease."
4. I will be swallowed by a sinkhole while driving on a deserted road, but I
will not be killed by the fall. Instead I will slowly suffocate inside my
car with only FM radio for company. Last thing heard will be the afternoon
zoo crew making fart noises.
5. All the vegetables in my refrigerator are screaming in agony, but the
sound is on a frequency that I am unable to hear.
7. Cats really don't want to have a tea party with me in formal wear.

March, 2002

Greetings friend from Albuquerque, New Mexico (home of the Great American Manson look-alike contest!). Enclosed you will find our latest tour schedule and some other handy household hints. Happy spring. ox Rennie

FUN HOME PROJECTS!

Make a ghost tape!
It's easy. Simply place a blank cassette into your recorder and press 'record'. Turn out lights and ask the darkness, "Is there anyone out there who would like to speak to me?" Sit quietly until tape recorder clicks off. Now just rewind the tape and listen. Listen carefully! Is that your dead grandmother telling you where the government bonds are hidden? Or, could it be Jack the Ripper singing "Silent Night"? Too many ghosts on your tape? Simply fill your shoes with salt to disperse unwanted presences.

Learn to understand animals!
Simply bury yourself underground for one full month with a small breathing tube in your mouth leading up to the surface. No cheating! Try to focus on white light only. Most yogis who accomplish this discover upon returning to the surface world they are now able understand everything from the flick of a lizard's tongue to the growl of a rabid dog. Caution: unpleasant side effects such as flowers growing from abdomen and unexpected levitations have been noted.

TODAY'S CHUCKLE:
"I heard the most beautiful music!" exclaimed Andrew Jackson upon waking from the chloroform after having his leg sawed off.

NEW RELEASES!
On April 1 The Handsome Family will be self-releasing a CD called "Smothered and Covered" which includes various songs of ours that never found a way onto a CD as well as some covers that have appeared on some compilation CDs and a few very intimate demos of songs we have already released. We are putting this CD out ourselves so it will NOT be distributed (well except to a few nice people) and so will mostly only be available from our website or at our live shows.

Also in the coming months we should have a live CD released by the Digital Club Network. More details to come.

OTHER MERCHANDISE:
We now have XXL shirts for our bigger-boned fans. Due to extra material used and late hours for the barefoot children in our sweat shops, these shirts cost $1 more than the S-M-L-XL shirts.

ALSO, if you're a guitar amp collector, please check out the link from our merchandise page to look at Greg Hansen's homemade amplifers. He's a friend of ours and his amplifers are really unique.

All the above-referenced crap can be found at www.handsomefamily.com

LATEST TOUR SCHEDULE:

FEBRUARY: Celebrate the re-introduction of grey wolves into the Jicarilla Mountains of New Mexico. Yahoo!

MARCH: back to the airport again.
UK Radio appearances (I don't have the exact times for any of these and probably won't until about an hour before we're supposed to be there):
30-Mar-02 Sat JONATHAN ROSS SHOW
31-Mar-02 Sun VIRGIN RADIO
01-Apr-02 Mon ROBERT ELMS
02-Apr-02 Tue ANDY KERSHAW
Live Shows (Most of these shows are with Oh Susanna! as support. She's really amazing. Also--somewhere toward the end of the Irish shows, maybe in Cork or Dublin, Brett's brother Darrell will arrive and begin to play drums with us and sing lovely harmonies)
IRELAND
05-Apr-02 Fri SPIRIT STORE DUNDALK IRELAND
06-Apr-02 Sat KINGS BAR WATERFORD IRELAND
07-Apr-02 Sun CLEERES KILKENNY IRELAND
08-Apr-02 Mon ROSIN DUBH GALWAY IRELAND
09-Apr-02 Tue DOLANS LIMERICK IRELAND
10-Apr-02 Wed HALF MOON CORK IRELAND
11-Apr-02 Thu MUSIC CENTRE DUBLIN IRELAND
UK (For these shows we'll be joined by Darrell Sparks on drums, vocals, etc.)
13-Apr-02 Sat PATTI PAVILION SWANSEA UK
14-Apr-02 Sun MEMORIAL HALL(ALSO: MODAL CONVENTION in AFTERNOON)
SHEFFIELD, UK
15-Apr-02 Mon LYRIC HAMMERSMITH UK
16-Apr-02 Tue There is a possibility of a second night at the Lyric. Check with venue for details.
17-Apr-02 Wed WEDGEWOOD ROOMS PORTSMOUTH UK
18-Apr-02 Thu PACIFIC ROADS ARTS CENTRE BIRKENHEAD UK
19-Apr-02 Fri LIQUID ROOMS EDINBURGH UK
20-Apr-02 Sat PHOENIX LEICESTER UK
22-Apr-02 Mon ARTS CENTRE NORWICH UK
23-Apr-02 Tue VARITIES LEEDS UK
DENMARK
25-Apr-02 Thu VOX HALL ARHUS DENMARK
26-Apr-02 Fri BRUNSKE PAKHUS FREDERICA DENMARK
27-Apr-02 Sat RYTMEPOSTEN ODENSE DENMARK
28-Apr-02 Sun LOPPEN COPENHAGEN DENMARK
NORWAY
30-Apr-02 Tue KICK SKIEN NORWAY
01-May-02 Wed SO WHAT OSLO NORWAY
02-May-02 Thu BLUES AND ROOTS FESTIVAL BERGEN NORWAY
03-May-02 Fri BLUES AND ROOTS FESTIVAL BERGEN NORWAY
04-May-02 Sat BLUES AND ROOTS FESTIVAL BERGEN NORWAY
HOLLAND
08-May-02 Wed DOORNROSSJE NIJMEGEN HOLLAND
09-May-02 Thu NIGHTTOWN THEATRE ROTTERDAM HOLLAND
10-May-02 Fri PARADISO AMSTERDAM HOLLAND
(Somewhere in here Darrell will go home and our invisible, electronic drummer will join us again. Sorry, but some of us have jobs to keep).
SPAIN (Don't know the venues in some of these Spanish cities. Check website in a few weeks and/or pray for us)
12-May-02 Sun FESTIVAL MALLORCA SPAIN
14-May-02 Tue LA BOITE BARCELONA SPAIN
15-May-02 Wed CAFÉ ANTZOKIA BILBAO SPAIN
16-May-02 Thu SURISTAN MADRID SPAIN
17-May-02 Fri venue TBC GRANADA SPAIN
18-May-02 Sat venue TBC CADIZ SPAIN

STILL TO BE CONFIRMED: Possible shows in ITALY at the end of May. Check the website in a few weeks and if there are any Italian shows they will magically appear on the shows list. (www.handsomefamily.com)

JUNE: Wander aimlessly around Albuquerque wearing pajamas and carrying a calculator and a pair of binoculars. Well, everyone else seems to be doing it.

JULY: We're working on a short return trip to Europe in which we will bring The Selsun Blues (Darrell Sparks' band) over with us as our support act and backing band. They play a lovely hobo-blues with dobro and tuba accents. Goes best with screw-top wines or cough syrup.

AUGUST?/SEPTEMBER?: USA TOUR--east, midwestern states? Details to come. As god is my witness, we will try to make it to St. Paul before the frost sets in again. We were pretty darn sad that we had to miss our show at the Turf Club in January. On the plus side--when we were caught in the snow storm that delayed us in Gillette, WY, our car went dead and we later discovered there to be two hours of missing time, but I now can turn the microwave on by only thinking of a hot cup of cocoa!

December, 2001

Here's a Tour Diary from our latest European Tour:

Handsome Family Tour: Oct. 29 through Dec. 7, 2001
IRISH SHOWS: Pinelodge, Myrtleville; The Kings Bar, Waterford; The Spirit Store, Dundalk; Dolan's Warehouse, Limerick; Whelan's, Dublin; Auntie Annie's, Belfast
PLUS: A quick commute to London and back for a show at the Barbican.
Folks in Ireland laugh non-stop at our shows, even at the most depressing songs about extinct birds, suicides, tidal waves and the suffering of small animals. I feel sane here. We arrive at a radio station in Cork City to do a live performance when suddenly we are locked in the building, quarantined for hours because of an anthrax scare. The army finally negotiates a special tank down the narrow streetÐ-a tank designed to take away bombs not anthrax. Luckily, the anthrax envelope turned out to be filled with bits of a broken jewel case from some band's demo CD. No anthrax in Cork today. The radio station receptionist was angry. "In Dublin, they bought them some rubber gloves to open the mail with! I had to buy my own!"
We drove back from Limerick to Dublin after the show to take an early flight to London. There is total darkness between Limerick and Dublin as we pass through all the sleeping towns. I am suddenly terrified being in a country without 24 hour restaurants. Finally on the outskirts of Dublin we find a man selling petrol from a bullet-proof cage. He sells us a coronation chicken sandwich and a tank of gas. Three hours sleep then off to London.
THE BARBICAN:
Howe Gelb walks in our dressing room and immediately dismantles the pristine, shiny Steinway upright piano. By the end of the night, people are sticking spoons and fingers into the piano strings trying to play "Cold as Ice" without touching the piano keys. I jokingly asked the Barbican staff if someone could carry me on stage and the burliest of them steps forward smiling. This was our first show before 2,000 people and Brett broke a string on the second song. Stalling for time while Brett looked for a new string, I told the crowd what happened on the plane ride over: the entire plane thrown into panic when a man started fighting with a young blonde girl in the aisle. They are pushing and shoving each other and the stewardesses run towards them. I am sitting frozen in fear, waiting for the box-cutter to appear. But, no death on that flight. Turned out he was just a drunk who stuck his hands between the girl's legs while she was sleeping. The whole plane celebrated-"Just a pervert! Not a terrorist!" We ignored the poor blonde girl sobbing in the corner, but the cops were waiting at Heathrow to drag the perv away. Two weeks later I get a call from his lawyer who was at the Barbican show (!), asking me to give evidence in his case. Small fucking world.
BACK TO IRELAND:
We were so tired the next day, we spent two hours searching for our car keys in the airport parking lot, even consulting the airport police, before I found the keys in my purse. Very tired at Whelan's and people were talking loudly while we were playing. Brett sang "I Know you are there...because I can hear you fucking talking!" After we played we needed security to help us get our stuff out as the bar had turned immediately into a dance club where people were dancing so hard they were bruising each other. The ride to Belfast was delayed by a dog running across the road far up in Northern Ireland causing the entire Irish highway "system" to grind to a halt. I ate a deep-fried egg mayonnaise sandwich served in a pool of butter, but still felt so tired my face was numb. People in Belfast seem to find my jokes funnier now that my face is a frozen mask. Next morning I found a lovely deer plaque in a charity shop.
ENGLAND: Ceol Castle, Birmingham; The Charlotte, Leicester; The Tower, Winchester; The Band Room, Farndale; University of Manchester; Pavilion Theatre, Brighton; Boardwalk, Sheffield; Fibbers, York; Jumpin' Hot Club (at the Live Theatre), Newcastle
There's a dog that lives in a pen behind the bar in Birmingham who howl-sings along with the high notes. I am in love, but the dog is well-trained and I can not coax him into the car the next morning. The Band Room is way up on the Yorkshire Moors. When I joke that the government has chosen tonight to begin releasing wolves back into the moors, no one laughs. The bathrooms are in a bunker across the windy parking lot and glowing eyes peer from the darkness as I walk. Not wolves, just curious sheep. In Manchester we were so tired we stopped at the first hotel we saw. Turned out to be the most expensive Marriot in the world and anytime we touched anything in the room another bill was slipped under the door. A little taste of America's glory.
Down at the Pavillion Theatre in Brighton, we are joined by Andrew Bird and Nora O'Connor, who prove to be a huge hit with the crowds and a great help to us over the course of this long tour. They pull our fat out of the fire many a night by joining us onstage and providing energy and impeccable musicianship. Next day, we head back up north again. At the Jumpin Hot Club, Brett and I have a big fight over dinner. We are so tired and sick of each other we are reduced to silent glaring, can't even muster up the energy to insult each other. We hobble onstage. A man screams "Shut up" while I'm talking between songs and I invited him on stage to scream "Shut up" at me while I gave him a blow job. That shuts him up, or so I think. Then later the poor man e-mails to say he was telling some girls next to him to shut up because his favorite band (us) was playing. Oh well, still spreading sunshine.
SCOTLAND: Q.M.U., Edinburgh; The Lemon Tree, Aberdeen; Arches, Glasgow
Students are playing pool while we are playing and so I have to remind myself that the cheers sporadically erupting are based on good shots on the pool table and not our great songs. After the show, we talk sheep with locals. The Scottish have the best sheep stories. Tonight someone tells us about the farmer who had a sheep that fell into a ravine, but the farmer couldn't bring himself to kill it even though its skull was cracked, even though it was his business to kill sheep. He kept bringing the sheep food and kept it alive for years,though it couldn't walk and birds had pecked out its eyes. Ah Scotland, your dark beauty is only heightened by the Absinthe for sale at Tesco.
ENGLAND, WALES, THEN ENGLAND AGAIN: Telford's Warehouse, Chester; The Chattery Restaurant, Swansea; Blackheath Halls, London
Telford's is the night of my birthday. I am showered with dead flowers and champagne. I am tempted to lie and say it's my birthday the next night as well. But, Swansea is its own joy. The Chattery is the local chippy and it is a strange thrill to go from playing for 2,000 at the Barbican to playing in a restaurant in Swansea. It's nice to be able to see everyone's faces as we play. We are exhausted again by the time we get to Blackheath. It's thanksgiving night and we order nachos and cheese sandwiches from room service to celebrate. If you had blindfolded me and then forced me to eat the nachos I would have guessed kidney pie, but still it does alleviate some of the homesickness.
HOLLAND: The Paradiso, Amsterdam; 013 Tilburg
We pay $100 for a garage to take our rental car off our hands in Amsterdam. It's that awful to drive there. Bicycles, walkers, trams, taxis... But, out of the car, Amsterdam is great. The best falafel in the world. Strange stores full of Indonesian drums and whistles. Mongolian throat singers playing in the tunnel under the Rijksmuseum. It's comforting to know that, if need be, I can get some help killing myself here. Maybe get stoned and hire a prostitute to do it? We leave all our equipment in the car in Tilburg because I realize that we are probably the most dangerous people in this town.
GERMANY AND SWITZERLAND: Knust, Hamburg; Golgatha, Berlin; Star Club, Dresden; Club 2, Munich; Rittergarten, Tuttlingen; El Lokal, Zurich
An endless journey to Hamburg consisting of missed trains and huge staircases to lug gear up. Finally arrive. We are here as support for Oh Susanna. She likes the same morbid folk songs we do so we get along well. We make no money in Germany and what we do make is immediately taken back to pay foreign artist taxes, but we enjoy many delicious meals with mysterious names that always turn out later when translated to be something like creamed kitten tails on a bed of deer eyelashes. We get separated for two hours in the Zurich airport when I get off the elevator at a different floor than Brett. Much hilarity (actually sobbing) ensues. Back in London, my hair has turned white and I have acquired the limping gait and pallor of the undead.
ENGLAND, AGAIN: ULU, London; 100 Club, London
ULU actually goes well even though by all rights we should be in the hospital by now. Someone gives me a bag of chocolate spiders. Next morning at the 100 club we play "Girl with the Faraway Eyes" to celebrate Uncut Magazine's Rolling Stones issue. It is a private party with lots of drink and tiny sandwiches. By noon, I have achieved the warm and happy drunk that comes with knowing you are going home soon.

September, 2001

Hello to all who have ever uttered the name "Handsome Family" even while under heavy sedation.

Today I found a tooth in the back yard. Well, actually a trail of teeth leading, oddly-enough, right back to my own gaping mouth! In any case, tonight I attempt to sleep with the lights off and my "Soothing Seascapes" CD at half volume. I am unique and I have a lot to offer the world. I am unique and I have a lot to offer the world. I am unique and I have a lot to offer the world.

Tomorrow I start my "19th-Century American Mountain Man" diet!

BREAKFAST:
When caught by winter blizzards or while on unexpectedly long desert marches, many a mountain man escaped starvation only by bleeding his horse and drinking the blood or cutting off and eating the ears of his mule.

LUNCH:
One old mountain man recalled, "I have held my hands in an ant-hill until they were covered with ants, then greedily licked them off. I have taken the soles of my moccasins, crisped them in the fire, and eaten them. We used to throw black crickets into a kettle of boiling water, wait until the kicking stopped then eat.

DINNER:
In the spring when the first fat cow was killed, the intestines were thrown across the fire until puffed with heat and fat then coiled on a blanket and gulped down without chewing. On such an occasion two men would start on the opposite ends of a pile of intestines and work their way toward the middle, each eating faster and faster to get his share, and shouting to the other to "FEED FAIR!"

SNACK:
Roasted beaver tail with handful of wild berries. Watch for grizzlies.

NEWS

NEW CD: Yes, finally, The Handsome Family has a new CD which will arrive in the stores on September 24th. It's called "Twilight." I hope you like it and I don't have to go back to stealing hubcaps.

MOVE: We finally made the big leap and moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico. We bought us a little adobe hacienda. "Why the hell??", you might ask. Well, it's dirt cheap (even the dirt is cheap) and it's home to the Sparks clan. Brett's brother and Mom and Dad live out here or at least that's who he claims these people are. Just wait till you see the new band photos shot in the desert. Brett has built a studio and has more work than he can shake a stick at. I spend most of my free time wandering the foothills in search of nicely bleached ribcages.

WEBSITE (www.handsomefamily.com): We can now accept credit cards on the merchandise page of our website. This is good for all you impulse buyers as well as all you foreigners who can now just click a button and not have to go get a wad of American dollars to send us if you want one of our fine products. Also, we have a new, professionally rendered tee shirt design. We recommend perusing our merchandise while drunk.

NEW TOUR: We will be touring and touring and touring now that the new CD is done. In preparation I have just purchased a new toothbrush cover. See Shows page for current schedule. ox Rennie

PS. If you would like an e-mail of our semi-frequent newsletter as well as tour information sent to you, then e-mail us and tell us so.

March, 2001

Hi everyone, here's the latest news from the Handsome Family Social Club:

We finally had enough of the cold and the wind and the traffic and the cost of living and have decided to move away from Chicago. On June 7 we're pulling the moving van out and heading to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Below you will see some of the information that helped us come to this decision.

Chicago:
children in pajamas abandoned in parking lots
Albuquerque:
packs of stray dogs run through empty neighborhoods
Chicago:
crumbling buildings and falling icicles crush in skulls of downtown pedestrians
Albuquerque:
all houses constructed of mud, straw and old cow bones
Chicago:
emergency rooms full of handcuffed men getting skull fracture X-rayed
Albuquerque:
emergency rooms full of handcuffed men getting skull fracture X-rayed
Chicago:
uniformly grey sky gives consistancy to the seasons and suicide rates
Albuquerque:
constant deep blue sky above mud horizon causes desert madness in which people paint all their possessions turquoise and begin to eat dirt

We will sorely miss all our Chicago friends, but, as you can see, the choice is obvious. I wish we could move tonight so I wouldn't have to attempt to clean up this abandoned warehouse we're living in. (Note to self: reset rat traps). Anyway, in the fall of 2001, when our next CD is released we should be touring everywhere we can think of, including back to Chicago.

xo Rennie

PS. If you would like an e-mail of our semi-frequent newsletter as well as tour information sent to you, then e-mail us and tell us so.

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